Time to Shit Bricks!

Let's have a little fun shall we? When you see it, you'll shit bricks.

This involves some mathematician's law who I don't remember the name(but who gives a shit?) and a subject. The theory is that in a preset number of moves we would always find ourselves coming to an end at the same result; so let's try that.

The result: Fucking up big time because of not having enough insight or knowledge causing you to commit suicide.

So to fuck things up further and to make Penis Bandit go WTF? We shall use a little bit of Mathematics; for those of you who are in the country: this is Additional Mathematics; Chapter 1, sub-topic 1.4: Inverse functions. With the result as x, let mathematic equation (an hero) = x with a limit to 5 moves.

1) - You fapped to porn

- You got a girlfriend

- You fucked girlfriend without a condom furthermore doing ATM along the way.

- Girlfriend gets pregnant and you end up with STD.

- An Hero.

2) - You are a minister.

- You have a mistress

- You take mistress to love hotel 

- There were hidden cameras recording that shit

- An Hero.

3) - You are yet another minister.

- You had an affair with your wife.

- It became too complicated, you blew her up with C4.

- It made the news.

- An Hero.

4)- You're a faggot.

- You have a boyfriend

- Parents finds out

- You gave each other STDs.

- An Hero.

5)- You're nominated for president for a certain country

- You copypasta your rival's promises, altering them a little.

- You make your vice-presidential nominee a soccer mom.

- Your country finds out about your lies.

- An Hero.

6)- You are an atheist

- You formed a community.

- You flamed every religion there is on every forum there is.

- You witnessed the second coming

- An Hero.

7)- You sleep over at your friend's house.

- Friend has very cute 8 year old sister

- You succumb to your pedobear conscious 

- You get caught by Chris Hansen.

- An Hero

Conclusion: y = inevitable.

(65 Markah)

My Emergency Kit.

One day, and that day may never come; I will wake up from bed to find out all the idiots one-upping their level of stupidity to the point of barbarians. It is also on that day my conventional weapons might be lost or stolen by them; so I decided to use my epic fail brain to counter the problem of: "LOL, I haz ur knife, wat u do nao?"

Arsonist Kit:

1)Flame-thrower

- Cheap, reliable super-soaker from Toy'R'Us.

- Gasoline or any other flammable substance.

- Attached fuse or candle(trick candles, hmm....) to end of barrel for fire.

- ???

- PROFIT!

2) Molotov Cocktail

- Empty glass bottle.

- Gasoline

- Cloth

- Lighter

- Good throwing arm.

3) Thermite.

- Fine Powdered Iron Oxide(rust)

- Fine Powdered Aluminium

- Magnesium Strip

- Weighing Scales

- Container

4) Napalm

- Styrofoam 

- Gasoline or kerosene.

- Container.

Might expand the kit a little more, but that's too much work.

he's probably right

i agree wholehartedly dat I kan't sp3ll. Hu car3s bout speling newayz, speling is for nubs.

n napolean is SO spelled napolean. 

i apologise.

dear penis bandit doesn't know how to spell the names of long-dead french emperors.

(and probably many other things)

Martial Dicks.

Every now and then, when I go on YouTube and look up some legendary martial arts or self-defence shit that actually work(i.e Systema, Krav Maga or Jeet Kun Doe); I come across the people who are the dicks that came sprawling out from the illusion of UFC, K1-Pride or mostly the any other fighting entertainment program on TV or the ones who believe the shit on bullshido.net; they start to adopt the impression that the Heavy Weight Champion on TV is the world greatest's fighter and can't be fucked with; that means he can beat every single being on the planet and is idolised by many fat couch potatoes who wish to be him but is too lazy to do so thus the only thing they do is sprout shit all about him and the fighting art he uptakes. 

Case in point: there was once I asked a guy who said that Michael McDonald(champion kickboxer) could beat all these other people who partake in other bullshido nonsense. 

 "For the sake of asking, if that guy went up against Bruce Lee, who'd win?"

 "Michael McDonald would kick Bruce Lee's ass,"

 *facepalm* (A similar situation happened with people who follow MMA, simply defused by saying that Jeet Kun Doe is the father of MMA so its an oxymoron.)

So, you're telling me that some dude out of the blue who started kickboxing at the age of 17 could kick the ass of a legend who took Wing Chun at the age of 13 and mastered all kinds of shit people ain't never heard off and created his own? Along the way kicking Chuck Norris's ass? Its like a $10 whore whose face looks like Rafidah's telling you she is sexier and can give more service than Jessica Alba, Katie Holmes, Kate Moss fused together. Here's a mindfuck; have a nice day.

Boredom

I remember someone telling me that a little boredom is harmless. That someone is bulshitting me. If you take a look at history in a certain way, you will note that alot of deaths can indirectly be attributed to boredom.

 Why do people go to war? They were bored with what they had. 

Why do people try drugs? They were bored with life. 

Why do people commit suicide? Bored with the circumst

ances of their lives.

Why did Napolean go batshit crazy and conquer most of europe? Maybe he was bored of people calling him short.

Okay enough with obscure references to things that may or may have not been true. Now think of it this way. You're sitting bored in you're room, and you spy a knife. Okay not one knife, maybe a few. Now you're tempted to try knife throwing. You grab one and fling it as if you're a ninja, It hits and odd angle and bounces back to you 

and stabs you in the face. LOL DEAD.

Maybe you are so bored you pick up something like parkour, but you decide that the physical prep is BORING and you go straight for the big jumps. You mess up, fall on your head and LOL DEAD!
Or maybe something slightly more likely, you're bored. So you decide to go for a spin in your car. Deciding to be a little bit adventurous to kill the boredom, you beat the traffic light. BAM! You're blindsided by a truck. Aaaaand, Yeaah you guessed it... LOL DEAD!
.
.
..
.
Or maybe you are bored and decide to go to the store for some snacks. You decide to go through the town shortcut, the railway. There's a train incoming but you think you can beat it, so you run trying to beat it but alas, you know what happens. This is the last one soooo
L
O
OO

L
D
E
EE
A
A
A
A
A

D


Ps. I know it's spelled Napoleon. Dick.

a very very simple statement

pasar seni lrt station, olympus om-1, olympus om g.zuiko 50mm f/1.4, fuji neopan 400

so, yoga. PBP edition

Hey guys, yet again you see the current trend of decline of the average amount of intellect a single body of people can possess. Apparently these days, with technology booming and stuff, there has been a imbalance in the amount of intelligence a person gets. This latest piece in malaysian news, inspired by the understandably less adored of the sides of intelligence, has me laughing on the floor and an unnumerable amount of people in a state of disbelief.

The target of this post, ladies and gentlemen, is the ban on Yoga in Malaysia. The reason stated on the front page is that the chanting, or whatever it was they do in yoga, was in worship of buddhism/hinduism I can't remember, who gives a shit anyways. We all know the chanting and stuff is for a less "spiritual" reason. And that is to turn people on. You know who you are damnit.

Now here's the hypothetical yet probably more true reason why Yoga is banned. The group banning it has wives, women, or men who, as per the norm, get involved with this trend but are stupid and can't get it done well. Feeling humilated and ridiculed they formulate a plot to get back at yoga. Well, what ball brained idiots you may say? Well, I don't think this measures up to the sheer stupidity that's happening around the world these days. You're thoughts?

so, yoga

hey fucks.

take your pathetic fatwas, yeah?

shove them up your asses,

and go die in fires.

everything you say about chanting in yoga being associated with buddhism and how yoga can ruin one's connection to islam makes about as much sense as walking across the LDP (lebuhraya damansara-puchong, for those of you blessed enough to not be living in this godforsaken valley) and stopping in the middle to pick up a newspaper that you've read through twice just ten minutes ago.

you know what? let's form a committee with the singular goal of rounding up all the idiots who: a) approved this pisswank fatwa and b) who agree with it, then stuffing them in gas chambers and gassing the hell out of them.

belsen was a gas, sure, but it'll be nothing compared to what we're going to do!

every black metal musician alive should move to malaysia, i'm sure all this shit will inspire them to new heights of misanthropy, nihilism and a new marduk album which will contain a track called MOHAMMEDRAPING BLACK METAL, oh yes

What?

Everyone has had moments where you just go 'FUCK' haven't they. Okay fine, maybe not fuck if you're a religious dipshit but still, you have those moments when just HAPPEN to realize that you forgot something really important, maybe you left your money in the cab, or you left your cigarettes out in the open and your friends make a lunge for it, or maybe you just forgot to put on a condom. In all three cases described in barely any detail, the only outcome for the 'FUCK' response is a negative one.

Which leads to the main body of this post. I propose an experiment, instead of saying just 'FUCK' during those moments when they happen, try going with 'FUCK YES' since in a theory i pulled out of my ass, a positive response to a negative event might trigger a positive result in place of a negative one.

Comrades, do tell me the results of this experiment if you attempt it.

Life

Life can accurately be described with a condom. First off we shall begin with wearing a condom or rather, living life. A condom must be worn properly and not be rushed or else it might tear and cause a rather unfortunate accident later (see : child). Also like life, a condom can be have many surprises. You could have accidentally punctured the condom at an earlier date (comparable to doing something in the past that will come back and haunt you) and your semen would wind up shagging with the egg of your partner. Also a condom is a one use thing, which if you look at it one way, is the way life is. You get one life (if you don't believe in the reincarnation crap) and that's all you get. Once you've had your fun and blown your load you still have to throw the damned thing. It's not like you can fucking keep it as a memento, at least not if you want more sex.

Your thoughts fellow blogmates?

?!

I have a dream, a dream where all men can roam free smoking weed with no oppression from the government. A dream where all women are beautiful and are free from STD's. A dream where condom's flow freely from a condom fountain in every building. A dream where all punishment involves masochism of some sort and bestiality roams supreme. A dream where money is so abundant that the people use dollar notes as ass-wipe. A dream... where all men flock to me and offer themselves at my feet. A dream where homosexuality rules supreme.

It isn't a very happy dream I must say but at least it is a dream which is more than most you folk can boast of.

ITP: azzief shows you how to spend money

RM1.00 = RapidKL bus ticket

RM1.30 = LRT fare to Amcorp Mall

RM15 = John Birmingham's Off One's Tits

RM4 = 25 and Under/Fiction compilation

RM10 = Sufian Abas' Pasca Manusia

RM20 = Secondhand copy of Fear Factory's Demanufacture (limited edition digipack, no less)

RM18 = Terminally Your Aborted Ghost's Slowly Peeling the Flesh from the Inside of a Folded Hand

RM30 = Akira Kurosawa's Ikiru (I came, honestly)

RM40 = Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon 1973 Tour t-shirt (which was a bit of a waste since it doesn't actually fit me, but it's with my dad who's a huge Pink Floyd fan, so...)

RM1.30 = LRT ride back to Kelana Jaya

Total = RM140.60

Still cheaper than those piss-ugly, worthless, useless, FUCKING UGLY handbags you girls buy.

Damnit.

Ever had those days when you wake up and feel like life's going to go your way. You get a text message from that extremely hot chick you met online saying that she wants to meet up and all. You get all excited (of course right?) and wear your sunday best. You go to where you're supposed to be meeting up. And suddenly this ... ... unattractive gal pulls up a chair and says hi. Inside you wanna like, tell her to fuck off cause you're waiting for a hot date. But you decide to be nice.

... And BAM the next moment you get slapped in the face and the chick you were waiting for is running away crying. Of course, you have to let off some steam and then you bitch slap the source of your little brother from getting any action and storm off.

No harm done right? Apparently not, next thing that happened to me was a - Fuck it this shit stinks.

so elethor lol'd and sez

We could use another metaphor for it too!

"My brother fucked my wife but it's okay since she didn't get pregnant!"

But seriously, if they are not faking their stupidity i bet i could sell them dignity.

so hishamuddin sez:

"lol bahasa malaysia achievement has not been affected by having maths and science in english"

way to miss the point you blithering idiot

that's like saying

"lol i killed a man but it's ok because the economy hasn't been affected"

hooray for idiots!

FIrst Post

Xylophone Fuckery!