¡totalwankers!

Battlezone

2010-01-20T23:26:00.001+08:00

Null

What the fuck?!

2009-11-25T22:56:00.002+08:00

Alright my dearest readers, as many of you have heard and probably many more have actually just done, (Fuck if I care who the fuck my reader base is), today was the Additional Mathematics paper for SPM. For those who have no idea what it means, we'll call it, mathematics that anally violates you and forgets to lube as well.

Now, there are certain people who will probably argue this point but, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF TEACHING THIS IF THEY DO NOT PROVIDE A LOGICAL USAGE OF IT IN REAL LIFE. I mean, rodsmoking malay shits could have atleast took the trouble to give us a reason to study it other than, "Ini penting untuk memajukan bangsa" bullshit. Fuck that fucking shit dude. If they could provide a decent explanation, I'm sure they'd attract more attention and therefore better grades. Everyone's so fucking obsessed with the letters on their grades that they forget the building of a well rounded individual.

Of course, of course, of course. How silly of me, you're about to bring up a sane debate about how SPM is just a gauge and whatnot right? Well, what the fuck do you gauge by teaching the youth to spot questions and take short cuts. Of course, you could argue that you are teaching us to use innovative methods to cheat, which of course, nobody will admit to but fuck yeah, it happens.

Well, now that the actual doing of the exams rant is over, let us rant about how the questions were. Let me see, the first thing I'd like to say is, I hope that the person who did the questions have their balls cut off with a rusty serrated blade. Since mathematics does not fucking include gravity into equations, do you expect a person to divide a number to infinity? Does he find it sadistically funny to throw the youth down a failing route? Well, I believe that he/she was bullied by the cool kids when he/she was younger and this is a form of getting back at them.

My rage has also been sufficiently fueled by the apparent arrogance of people that do not have to trouble themselves with taking the exam but make light of it. Of course they mean it in jest, but for fucks sake, there's something called PRIVATE messaging. You don't need to tell the world how you didn't do the paper everyone fucked up, or how you actually managed to do it.

If you did the paper perfectly, bravo. You are one of the few people headed for the top. Of course, what no one will tell you is that in 5 years when you actually finish your studies, you'll join a company, and that company will probably be under my globe spanning consortium. Yeah, dreams you say? Then what the fuck are you doing now? Dreaming about taking over? NEVER.

Has anyone actually managed to formulate an opinion yet? Well, fuck your opinion. This is a free internet, but as one of the men manning the blog, I have the right of opinion which literally means, my opinion matters, yours doesn't. I am never wrong, you are always wrong. Remember that.

I need to stop man PMS-ing. Vodka please?

I'd like to take this moment in time

2009-08-18T23:38:00.001+08:00

Dear ladies and gent's, I'd like to have this moment to say something that will probably not shock all of you at all.

Fuck you all and I hope you rot in hell.

Feel the love yet ?

Random Shit

2009-07-24T23:02:00.002+08:00

Today I have done things a man should proud of while he's young but be fucking embarrassed about later in life, though I hope to be forgiven for not mentioning what, but let's just say I've probably knocked off a couple of years from my life. Not to worry though, by the time I hit my golden years there will be youth potions for sale like lemonade.

Anyways, I think I will use this update to launch an unnecessary rant on culture again. Of course you must be bored with people giving opinions but, as much as everyone else, I have a fucking right to my own opinion and I can, if I so choose to completely dismiss everyone else's opinion. That aside, I shall now begin.

I am sure nowadays, everyone has noticed the current trend for people to dress "indie". Hold on! you say, doesn't that mean they all have a 'unique and trendy' fashion style that 'defies' social norm to promote 'creativity' and a sense of 'harmony' in their clothing? Well, that's what it should define, but in the current state of affairs, it means a bunch of people running around in what is touted as indie attire, which more often than not means coloured t-shirts with 'provocative' statements emboldened on it's front. Now I am not totally against it, but if that's the only thing a person wears, it really stops being amusing.

The problem of course, does not lie in the "indie" clothing system in itself, it's more towards how people judge fashion. There seems to be a super elite underground panel that judges what is indie on a regular basis (but still leaning towards t-shirts) and they pass out judgement as if they are true judges of fashion. Of course one can argue that fashion is defined differently by different people but jeez, when their definition of fashion drifts that far away from what is safely called fashion, it becomes something else altogether.

Now the less critical comments are passed, let me say, it's a bit saddening to see everyone dressing up in their "indie" attire and all of them walking around in their little groups of friends thinking they're hot and unique. Of course, they would be if there was one group doing it but when there's a whole bunch of people dressed that way walking around, you're not going to stand out. You people think you are the unique minority, but the sad truth is that you are in the blind majority. Wake up people, you people are better than this, or atleast I hope so for all that is still good in this nation, take a stand and actually make yourself look unique.

You must be thinking, why the fuck aren't I cursing, yes? Well the sad truth is, I don't need to, it's just too pathetic

1128

2009-05-10T22:48:00.004+08:00

Sitting in a dark room at 2 am in the morning is one of the most inspiring times for a writer, especially those who have a knack for having intimate moments with their left hand. As someone who speaks from experience, I am more than happy to support this statement.

Today I am feeling rather down so the theme for today's blog post will be suitably apt for my mood. Something more towards remembering the good old times

The Internet used to be a blessed place, where not many fags, noobs, drama queens, jocks and all those other unwanted garbage were around. Not that I'm saying all of the above stereotypes are absolutely disturbing, but the vast majority of them are. Now, back in the day, people prided themselves on the use of proper spelling and grammar. Now, I find myself writing in a personal blog for everywhere I used to hold dear was slowly overrun by the globalization age or whatever term they used to more or less say "give everyone cheap high speed Internet".

Speaking from a general stance, providing Internet services to so many people is a good thing because it enables easy information transfer and provides access to research material much faster. Unfortunately, speaking from experience, I know this to be very untrue. The vast majority of the new wave of Internet users are people who obsess over the social networking sites, increasing their network of so called 'friends' and providing an unneeded ego boost to those who already have too much of an ego and steadily taking away the land of the geeks and nerds. Not only has this slowly transformed the pride of speaking perfect English into pride for speaking as lousily as possible, it is also steadily tearing at the walls of the very few refuges left for the ones who still hope that the golden age will come again and preserve as much of that time in their refuges as possible.

Have you taken a moment in time to laugh at my expense? Perfect.

Truthfully, the almost unending waves of people flocking to the social networking sites is not really a major problem, It's the almost unending people looking for pornography that is the problem. As a wise man once told me, there will be no supply if there is no demand, but if there's too much supply, some of it gets to the wrong places. What I mean by this is, with so much people looking for pornography online, and the number of people who cater to these people and make a very very big bag of cash while doing so, it is with great despair that I must make you realize that any young person could have accidentally been exposed to porn.

That is not a major problem to some, but if said boy was one who is very impressionable and took that such a thing was the norm, imagine what kind of havoc he would cause when he got his first girlfriend at age 14? Imagine what would happen to the next generation of our world. People, you must realize that the porn that we love so much could be effectively destroying our population through STD's transmitted among the youth these days. Well, I might be overexeggrating(sp?) the problem just a wee bit as I know not too many of the youth are that impressionable but still, a small minority might unknowingly be the doom of us all.

Better be safe then lying in a hospital in pain waiting for surgery on your crotch to get rid of the STD's (if our medicinal tech is up to that standard at that given time, I'm just thinking they'd chuck you off a cliff as treatment though, works wonders for the gene pool if you ask me).

Bah, I guess I will end today's post here. I speak for only myself in the above post. The seriousness of which I take this post is close to 10%.

Tales of The Now.

2009-03-23T21:36:00.005+08:00

After watching Obama on Jay Leno remark about a certain shot of his face when he bowl in relation to the special Olympics. It made a lot of retards unhappy, at least, American retards.

Me: So, you're angry because he made a reference to the Special Olympics?

American Retards: Yes, think of all the other people who are handicapped and less fortunate, we love Obama but me and my family think this is an outrage. I mean, talking about the handicapped is too far for him, only we get to call ourselves that.

Me: So... its like how niggers can call themselves niggers?

A.R: No, that's a different case, we don't call ourselves retards.

Someone asked me why people want to still come to America even though they hate America, looking back, its obviously because of the people that live there. I mean, the only reason I see myself going to the land of overrated freedom is to put money in the vending machines or throwing shit off the Empire State Building in the name of the lulz. But then again, why go spend a few thousand on a plane ticket just to enjoy it beside a man with his ketchup stained shirt tuck in and doesn't know what deodorant is or a couple of niggers who's going to pull a 187 on this thread. I rather just stay at home and have a good wank while the world is in peril.

So, back in the kitchen girls, keep making the sandwiches as a punishment for keeping us all in the friend zone while you make off with the one guy who'd probably disappear at the next party who'd probably slept with a sexually confused trap who thought he was the one with the girl when he gave head to guys.

Also, watch Dragonball, it is the bollocks. Bulma and that other chick are hot jailbait while Goku is this American badass who saves people and brings them back to life with his Kamehameha and still has a power level of over 9000. Seriously, your spending your money well on this movie caused in over 9000 years time when this actor makes it big time, he's going to be malarky when the big budget movies see this in his resume. Twilight is still better by tonnes though, what's more accurate than a story ripped off from some sappy love Japanese manga that looks like an American adaptation of shoujo portraying vampires as the loving gothic hippies they are?

Wankerific

2009-03-22T19:46:00.002+08:00

Today I shall be speaking on days like today comrades.

Pull up a chair and form a circle as ole uncle thor starts to tell you about today. Days like today is a term usually associated with either a good or bad day so before I continue I shall clarify by saying that today is most definitely a bad day.

Let us begin with the morning shall we comrades? I managed to begin my day pretty well if I do say so myself, I began with waking up late with a massive boner and rushing to get ready for class. Of course, my rushing for class would be the equivalent of rushing into the shower for a wank session and then showering, grabbing breakfast and lazing around till it's late.

Oh great this guy is going to bore us with his life story.

Oh no no no, if I was going to bore you with my life story I'd have done it in less egoistical manner. Of course now I shall deviate from the flow of the post by including a (in?)directly aimed insult at the general populace.

And with that in mind, I shall begin with saying, what a bunch of uncommitted fools with no drive, no wonder the more successful a nation is the more failures it generates. Not only that I do believe that the unfair rights given to them by the government is not empowering those fools who would do better in life by being sterile and unable to give birth but are actually giving them a false sense of security in life and allowing them to slack off. Jeez, those cock lovers are already half-brained as is and you decide not to develop them, but give them a bunch of training wheels.

It would be fine if it was in your mind to remove the damned training wheels sometime soon but keeping them on? What in the world. The world as is has no place for people who believe that they're position in life has some sense of security because now, no man is safe. Oh what now you're going to call me a sexist for saying no man is safe but not no woman?

Fine, No women is safe either, happy you fucking pricks that oh so love equality?

Oh right, I forgot to cater for the little idiots that might want to take a potshot at my views, have a go all you want, but unless you can provide an intelligent response you're only proving my point. And for every idiotic respond I receive, I'll just provide a witty comeback and post it right here on the blog.

Oooh, the big man is threatening to post my responses on his mean old blog, boohooo.

Yeah and I trust that I gave fair warning for it in advance.

Oh shit, I deviated from the topic too much. Well, let's see, went to class, had some lunch, saw some fags, gamed a bit, raged a bit, and all the works. I love life.

Oh yea, everyone, lighten up and start wanking already you poor derived fools.

Hope you all suffer a slow horrifying death with no one to care about you.

: D.

Tragic Sporadicity

2009-01-25T23:16:00.003+08:00

Many a fool prey on those they think they can take. But these same fools find themselves trapped in their own design by their own lack of foresight. Their prey unveil their hooded selves and caress those who were trapped in their own design. They slowly savour the flavour before taking the killing bite.

Such is the ever manipulative ways of "prey". These pure looking creatures can change themselves to devils at a moments notice. The words "let not the strangeness of a platypus give you a sense of awe for they pack quite a punch"

Now questions must arise in your head as to why this posts is progressing towards retardism. That is the nature of this blog, and if you fail to cope with that, I must then beg for your forgiveness, because I find no better way to entertain myself :)

NAPOLEAN!

Time to Shit Bricks!

2008-12-04T02:55:00.003+08:00

Let's have a little fun shall we? When you see it, you'll shit bricks.

This involves some mathematician's law who I don't remember the name(but who gives a shit?) and a subject. The theory is that in a preset number of moves we would always find ourselves coming to an end at the same result; so let's try that.

The result: Fucking up big time because of not having enough insight or knowledge causing you to commit suicide.

So to fuck things up further and to make Penis Bandit go WTF? We shall use a little bit of Mathematics; for those of you who are in the country: this is Additional Mathematics; Chapter 1, sub-topic 1.4: Inverse functions. With the result as x, let mathematic equation (an hero) = x with a limit to 5 moves.

1) - You fapped to porn

- You got a girlfriend

- You fucked girlfriend without a condom furthermore doing ATM along the way.

- Girlfriend gets pregnant and you end up with STD.

- An Hero.

2) - You are a minister.

- You have a mistress

- You take mistress to love hotel

- There were hidden cameras recording that shit

- An Hero.

3) - You are yet another minister.

- You had an affair with your wife.

- It became too complicated, you blew her up with C4.

- It made the news.

- An Hero.

4)- You're a faggot.

- You have a boyfriend

- Parents finds out

- You gave each other STDs.

- An Hero.

5)- You're nominated for president for a certain country

- You copypasta your rival's promises, altering them a little.

- You make your vice-presidential nominee a soccer mom.

- Your country finds out about your lies.

- An Hero.

6)- You are an atheist

- You formed a community.

- You flamed every religion there is on every forum there is.

- You witnessed the second coming

- An Hero.

7)- You sleep over at your friend's house.

- Friend has very cute 8 year old sister

- You succumb to your pedobear conscious

- You get caught by Chris Hansen.

- An Hero

Conclusion: y = inevitable.

(65 Markah)

My Emergency Kit.

2008-11-30T11:18:00.003+08:00

One day, and that day may never come; I will wake up from bed to find out all the idiots one-upping their level of stupidity to the point of barbarians. It is also on that day my conventional weapons might be lost or stolen by them; so I decided to use my epic fail brain to counter the problem of: "LOL, I haz ur knife, wat u do nao?"

Arsonist Kit:

1)Flame-thrower

- Cheap, reliable super-soaker from Toy'R'Us.

- Gasoline or any other flammable substance.

- Attached fuse or candle(trick candles, hmm....) to end of barrel for fire.

- ???

- PROFIT!

2) Molotov Cocktail

- Empty glass bottle.

- Gasoline

- Cloth

- Lighter

- Good throwing arm.

3) Thermite.

- Fine Powdered Iron Oxide(rust)

- Fine Powdered Aluminium

- Magnesium Strip

- Weighing Scales

- Container

4) Napalm

- Styrofoam

- Gasoline or kerosene.

- Container.

Might expand the kit a little more, but that's too much work.

he's probably right

2008-11-30T01:28:00.003+08:00

i agree wholehartedly dat I kan't sp3ll. Hu car3s bout speling newayz, speling is for nubs.

n napolean is SO spelled napolean.

i apologise.

2008-11-30T01:25:00.002+08:00

dear penis bandit doesn't know how to spell the names of long-dead french emperors.

(and probably many other things)

Martial Dicks.

2008-11-30T00:58:00.005+08:00

Every now and then, when I go on YouTube and look up some legendary martial arts or self-defence shit that actually work(i.e Systema, Krav Maga or Jeet Kun Doe); I come across the people who are the dicks that came sprawling out from the illusion of UFC, K1-Pride or mostly the any other fighting entertainment program on TV or the ones who believe the shit on bullshido.net; they start to adopt the impression that the Heavy Weight Champion on TV is the world greatest's fighter and can't be fucked with; that means he can beat every single being on the planet and is idolised by many fat couch potatoes who wish to be him but is too lazy to do so thus the only thing they do is sprout shit all about him and the fighting art he uptakes.

Case in point: there was once I asked a guy who said that Michael McDonald(champion kickboxer) could beat all these other people who partake in other bullshido nonsense.

"For the sake of asking, if that guy went up against Bruce Lee, who'd win?"

"Michael McDonald would kick Bruce Lee's ass,"

*facepalm* (A similar situation happened with people who follow MMA, simply defused by saying that Jeet Kun Doe is the father of MMA so its an oxymoron.)

So, you're telling me that some dude out of the blue who started kickboxing at the age of 17 could kick the ass of a legend who took Wing Chun at the age of 13 and mastered all kinds of shit people ain't never heard off and created his own? Along the way kicking Chuck Norris's ass? Its like a $10 whore whose face looks like Rafidah's telling you she is sexier and can give more service than Jessica Alba, Katie Holmes, Kate Moss fused together. Here's a mindfuck; have a nice day.

Boredom

2008-11-30T00:45:00.007+08:00

I remember someone telling me that a little boredom is harmless. That someone is bulshitting me. If you take a look at history in a certain way, you will note that alot of deaths can indirectly be attributed to boredom.

Why do people go to war? They were bored with what they had.

Why do people try drugs? They were bored with life.

Why do people commit suicide? Bored with the circumst

ances of their lives.

Why did Napolean go batshit crazy and conquer most of europe? Maybe he was bored of people calling him short.

Okay enough with obscure references to things that may or may have not been true. Now think of it this way. You're sitting bored in you're room, and you spy a knife. Okay not one knife, maybe a few. Now you're tempted to try knife throwing. You grab one and fling it as if you're a ninja, It hits and odd angle and bounces back to you

and stabs you in the face. LOL DEAD.

Maybe you are so bored you pick up something like parkour, but you decide that the physical prep is BORING and you go straight for the big jumps. You mess up, fall on your head and LOL DEAD!
Or maybe something slightly more likely, you're bored. So you decide to go for a spin in your car. Deciding to be a little bit adventurous to kill the boredom, you beat the traffic light. BAM! You're blindsided by a truck. Aaaaand, Yeaah you guessed it... LOL DEAD!
.
.
..
.
Or maybe you are bored and decide to go to the store for some snacks. You decide to go through the town shortcut, the railway. There's a train incoming but you think you can beat it, so you run trying to beat it but alas, you know what happens. This is the last one soooo
L
O
OO

L
D
E
EE
A
A
A
A
A

D

Ps. I know it's spelled Napoleon. Dick.

a very very simple statement

2008-11-25T20:55:00.002+08:00

pasar seni lrt station, olympus om-1, olympus om g.zuiko 50mm f/1.4, fuji neopan 400

so, yoga. PBP edition

2008-11-23T22:07:00.002+08:00

Hey guys, yet again you see the current trend of decline of the average amount of intellect a single body of people can possess. Apparently these days, with technology booming and stuff, there has been a imbalance in the amount of intelligence a person gets. This latest piece in malaysian news, inspired by the understandably less adored of the sides of intelligence, has me laughing on the floor and an unnumerable amount of people in a state of disbelief.

The target of this post, ladies and gentlemen, is the ban on Yoga in Malaysia. The reason stated on the front page is that the chanting, or whatever it was they do in yoga, was in worship of buddhism/hinduism I can't remember, who gives a shit anyways. We all know the chanting and stuff is for a less "spiritual" reason. And that is to turn people on. You know who you are damnit.

Now here's the hypothetical yet probably more true reason why Yoga is banned. The group banning it has wives, women, or men who, as per the norm, get involved with this trend but are stupid and can't get it done well. Feeling humilated and ridiculed they formulate a plot to get back at yoga. Well, what ball brained idiots you may say? Well, I don't think this measures up to the sheer stupidity that's happening around the world these days. You're thoughts?

so, yoga

2008-11-23T21:58:00.005+08:00

hey fucks.

take your pathetic fatwas, yeah?

shove them up your asses,

and go die in fires.

everything you say about chanting in yoga being associated with buddhism and how yoga can ruin one's connection to islam makes about as much sense as walking across the LDP (lebuhraya damansara-puchong, for those of you blessed enough to not be living in this godforsaken valley) and stopping in the middle to pick up a newspaper that you've read through twice just ten minutes ago.

you know what? let's form a committee with the singular goal of rounding up all the idiots who: a) approved this pisswank fatwa and b) who agree with it, then stuffing them in gas chambers and gassing the hell out of them.

belsen was a gas, sure, but it'll be nothing compared to what we're going to do!

every black metal musician alive should move to malaysia, i'm sure all this shit will inspire them to new heights of misanthropy, nihilism and a new marduk album which will contain a track called MOHAMMEDRAPING BLACK METAL, oh yes

What?

2008-11-19T01:24:00.002+08:00

Everyone has had moments where you just go 'FUCK' haven't they. Okay fine, maybe not fuck if you're a religious dipshit but still, you have those moments when just HAPPEN to realize that you forgot something really important, maybe you left your money in the cab, or you left your cigarettes out in the open and your friends make a lunge for it, or maybe you just forgot to put on a condom. In all three cases described in barely any detail, the only outcome for the 'FUCK' response is a negative one.

Which leads to the main body of this post. I propose an experiment, instead of saying just 'FUCK' during those moments when they happen, try going with 'FUCK YES' since in a theory i pulled out of my ass, a positive response to a negative event might trigger a positive result in place of a negative one.

Comrades, do tell me the results of this experiment if you attempt it.

Life

2008-11-17T22:14:00.001+08:00

Life can accurately be described with a condom. First off we shall begin with wearing a condom or rather, living life. A condom must be worn properly and not be rushed or else it might tear and cause a rather unfortunate accident later (see : child). Also like life, a condom can be have many surprises. You could have accidentally punctured the condom at an earlier date (comparable to doing something in the past that will come back and haunt you) and your semen would wind up shagging with the egg of your partner. Also a condom is a one use thing, which if you look at it one way, is the way life is. You get one life (if you don't believe in the reincarnation crap) and that's all you get. Once you've had your fun and blown your load you still have to throw the damned thing. It's not like you can fucking keep it as a memento, at least not if you want more sex.

Your thoughts fellow blogmates?

?!

2008-11-16T22:17:00.006+08:00

I have a dream, a dream where all men can roam free smoking weed with no oppression from the government. A dream where all women are beautiful and are free from STD's. A dream where condom's flow freely from a condom fountain in every building. A dream where all punishment involves masochism of some sort and bestiality roams supreme. A dream where money is so abundant that the people use dollar notes as ass-wipe. A dream... where all men flock to me and offer themselves at my feet. A dream where homosexuality rules supreme.

It isn't a very happy dream I must say but at least it is a dream which is more than most you folk can boast of.

ITP: azzief shows you how to spend money

2008-11-16T18:33:00.002+08:00

RM1.00 = RapidKL bus ticket

RM1.30 = LRT fare to Amcorp Mall

RM15 = John Birmingham's Off One's Tits

RM4 = 25 and Under/Fiction compilation

RM10 = Sufian Abas' Pasca Manusia

RM20 = Secondhand copy of Fear Factory's Demanufacture (limited edition digipack, no less)

RM18 = Terminally Your Aborted Ghost's Slowly Peeling the Flesh from the Inside of a Folded Hand

RM30 = Akira Kurosawa's Ikiru (I came, honestly)

RM40 = Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon 1973 Tour t-shirt (which was a bit of a waste since it doesn't actually fit me, but it's with my dad who's a huge Pink Floyd fan, so...)

RM1.30 = LRT ride back to Kelana Jaya

Total = RM140.60

Still cheaper than those piss-ugly, worthless, useless, FUCKING UGLY handbags you girls buy.

Damnit.

2008-11-15T22:25:00.003+08:00

Ever had those days when you wake up and feel like life's going to go your way. You get a text message from that extremely hot chick you met online saying that she wants to meet up and all. You get all excited (of course right?) and wear your sunday best. You go to where you're supposed to be meeting up. And suddenly this ... ... unattractive gal pulls up a chair and says hi. Inside you wanna like, tell her to fuck off cause you're waiting for a hot date. But you decide to be nice.

... And BAM the next moment you get slapped in the face and the chick you were waiting for is running away crying. Of course, you have to let off some steam and then you bitch slap the source of your little brother from getting any action and storm off.

No harm done right? Apparently not, next thing that happened to me was a - Fuck it this shit stinks.

so elethor lol'd and sez

2008-11-15T00:22:00.004+08:00

We could use another metaphor for it too!

"My brother fucked my wife but it's okay since she didn't get pregnant!"

But seriously, if they are not faking their stupidity i bet i could sell them dignity.

so hishamuddin sez:

2008-11-15T00:14:00.000+08:00

"lol bahasa malaysia achievement has not been affected by having maths and science in english"

way to miss the point you blithering idiot

that's like saying

"lol i killed a man but it's ok because the economy hasn't been affected"

hooray for idiots!

FIrst Post

2008-11-14T23:43:00.001+08:00

Xylophone Fuckery!